La Vita e’ Bella

I had met this girl at the airport (lovely, very kind, & a writer no less). We began to talk before we boarded and, due to the rather small passenger quantity, we changed seats so we could chat through the five hour aerial trek as well.

Once the conversation finished bouncing around from work to family to wine to travel to writing to Hollywood to reading to 24 to that occasional snicker at the guy who couldn’t help but yell along with the in-flight movie (forgetting he could be heard above his headphones), I said something that took me off guard.

“I think I’m just glad to be alive.”

The reason it took me off guard was because of what I didn’t say. I hadn’t said, “At least I’m alive,” or “I’m glad I’m not dead.” In those few moments, trapped in that little moving box above the clouds, I was so very grateful for every single scrap of anything good or bad I’d ever seen or heard or experienced in my world.

In those moments, I ached at what I’d lost (and at what I wanted but still didn’t have). I smiled at all that I’d been given (instead of wondering when God was gonna realize I didn’t deserve it and take it away). I got all pissed and passionate about the geekiest crap you’ve ever heard, I’m sure (instead of trying to play like I was anything close to normal). I got choked up a bit when I talked about my faith (and wasn’t too embarassed that I couldn’t explain why I believed what I did). I lost my breath when I looked out the window (and realized again how full of wonder things can be). And I laughed when I’d lost all thought of what to say next (even openly admitting that I was trying so damn hard not to be boring).

I think maybe I’m supposed to be more cynical and not sound so much like a flickin’ Hallmark card. Cause you don’t want to hear all this sappy crap-flappy optimism when things aren’t how you want them to be. It’s like, dude, you’re really setting off my Gay-dar through the red here with this “Ain’t-life-grand” routine. Get real, for crying out. Life sucks.

No. No, it doesn’t.

You know, I’ll die not having everything I want & probably not having done everything I wanted to do. I won’t deserve half the crap that falls on me and I won’t get some of the precious few things that maybe I do deserve. But I get lost sometimes in a feeling like a bomb in my belly that sends goosebumps up my arms and makes me breathe in so deeply that I almost choke. And it’s such a weird feeling when it hits that I have to respond to it somehow. I have to shift around or take a walk or write something or laugh or listen to music (really listen) or cry or talk to somebody about some silly nonsense thought I had that made me feel funny.

I think I’m just glad to be alive.

It doesn’t much matter if I seem silly or naive. If you can’t sit still for five minutes and look around you and be filled with awe, then no wonder optimism sounds foolish to you. But if you can, then you’ll know just what I’m talking about — and you’ll be glad too.

The plane landed and I hugged my new friend goodbye. She had said to me earlier, “It’s nice to meet somebody who isn’t afraid to be happy for a minute or two.” And I was about to respond with some quick catch-phrase I’d probably read somewhere in one of those dang Chicken Soup for the Soul books but before I could say anything, that guy two rows back with the headphones on let out a loud “WHOOO!” because the basketball player in the movie had just won the game. He woke up the little Asian guy whose head was already hanging in the aisle. The guy was so startled he forgot where he was and almost tripped the stewardess carrying the trashbag towards the back.

So, I didn’t spit out a cliche’ catch-phrase answer. I just couldn’t stop laughing.

A Note on “Corners Enough for a Ring”

Ironically enough, this post was written two years before Rocky 6 actually WAS inspired to be made. And as awesome as that movie was and as much as I would love to take credit for it, unfortunately my post and Stallone’s vision were not connected.

Still, enjoy.

Corners Enough for a Ring

I spent most of my life not liking myself very much. And I don’t really know why because I can’t really recall too many people who didn’t like me at least a little. Sure, I’ve had enemies and I’ve even had people who just didn’t really care much for me, but nothing drastic or devastating (like I’d like to sometimes pretend when I get in pity-party mode).

No, I didn’t like myself simply because I wasn’t who I wanted to be. The wise one told me that I was perfectly willing to admit I wasn’t perfect to other people and I didn’t care if other people thought I was perfect — but I wanted to think I was perfect. And if I didn’t have the looks, then by God I’d have the attitude. I’d be the best friend anybody’d ever had. I’d give the best advice, be the most talented, and make the fewest amount of people angry. Pretty unrealistic, huh? Not to mention pretty selfish.

As a result of these efforts, anytime someone didn’t think highly enough of me to satisfy my ego, I wouldn’t bust at them — I’d bust at me. I would scold myself and pound a hole in my heart so I’d damn well learn my lesson and not screw up anymore. I started playing everything safe and I tried to get everything right the first time. Mistakes weren’t optional. I tried to please everybody but myself, in order to satisfy my selfish need to seem good enough. And sometimes it worked, but even when it did, it only fed the problem.

Well, I gave some advice to someone tonight that, for once, I think was actually pretty good, which is ironic considering that I haven’t fully been acting like myself lately.

What I said was this, and I quote . . . myself — “It’s hard to fight for yourself. It’s pretty easy to fight for other people, but not so much to fight for yourself. Too many times I sabotage myself and fight against myself, saying I don’t really deserve the good things I desire and keep myself from them on purpose. Then, when the good things go away and the vultures creep in, I say to Reed “Told ya so.” Then the cycle repeats again. Maybe it’s not so much finding a place where we like ourselves or even love ourselves. Maybe it just starts with a simple willingness to fight for ourselves and for the things we desire. From there, maybe the notion that we’re actually worth fighting for and on and on.”

I’ve done a bit of fighting in my own corner these past couple days. The funny thing is that I’m not sure if I’m winning or not (I think I may have lost a couple points today, though), but I also told my friend that you can’t call yourself a loser until the battle’s over and I’m not convinced mine is yet.

Or yours, for that matter.

So from my corner to yours,
Here’s hoping the battle’s only as long as the victory is sweet.
Here’s hoping the ring breaks before you do.
Here’s hoping all those dreamkillers and naysayers and criticizing gameplayers all got glass jaws.
Here’s hoping the bell comes quick cause God knows we need a break.

And while we’re at it, here’s hoping this post inspires everybody to have a bit more self-confidence instead of just inspiring Rocky 6.

I Push the Button

Did you get that message I left for you? The one written on my face?

It’s funny, those cycles and patterns we adhere to so often and swear we’ll never set foot in those same traps again. What’s funnier is that this time I didn’t fall in. This time I knew it was coming and I was ready for it. God knows my own heart’s let me down a few times too many — it was about due for a coming through.

You know, they tell you apathy’s the answer, but it ain’t. Caring too much will kill you, that’s for sure, but apathy isn’t how to combat that. The answer is in lessening the pressure you put on yourself and on others to be their own ideals. Sure, you want it to be this way and you want them to be this kind of person and you want yourself to be brave-new-world-perfect, but it’s never gonna be that way. And the more pressure you put on achieving the ideals, the deeper into the trap you slip.

So I’m nuking the ideals. I’m done with the perfection. If I want anything real from myself or this life & the people in it, I gotta drop the bomb on expectations.

My mind is mine. I am not my mind’s.

Sesame Street Relationships

Hi boys and girls and welcome to the show!

Today we’re going to talk about relationships. Now, relationships are very complicated because people are complicated. Let’s find an example by looking at the alphabet, OK?

You see, there are two kinds of letters — vowels and consonants. (There’s also this special kind of letter called Y that isn’t sure exactly what its orientation is). Now, vowels and consonants get together to make words. And there are all kinds of combinations that can be made into all different kinds of words. Literally billions of them!

Because there are so many possibilities, things can be very complicated sometimes. For instance, the letters A or S might like to fool around with a lot of other different letters, whereas the letters G or K are a bit more picky about who they pair up with.

Then, there’s Q & U. Now, we can’t all be like the letters Q and U. Q & U were made for each other, and even though U is much more independent than Q, you rarely ever see them apart and Q simply can’t make a word at all without U.

But, let’s say that the letter N likes the letter O, but O doesn’t like N back because the word they seem most often to make is NO and that word causes problems for a lot of people. Also, O is very fond of the letter F because together they make the word OF, which is a much more pleasant word than NO. (Sometimes they even have a threesome to get “OFF”) (blink, blink) *gasp*

Moving on . . . If N likes O but O likes F, that makes N feel bad because O doesn’t really want to be with N. Meanwhile, the letter F is holding out for a better word. The problem is that F is looking for something like the number 2 and I’m sorry, but F just won’t find what they’re looking for because the number 2 doesn’t exist in this alphabet, folks, I hate to tell ya. F can wait all they want to, they won’t find 2 — and they won’t be able to turn all the T’s and W’s into 2’s either. The closest they’ll come to it is TWO and while that may be close, they’ll never be quite satisfied with it.

So what should N do? Cause N is a nice letter and gets along well with the other letters well enough. But N gets stepped ON a lot by the O’s in this world and that’s a shame, but a letter can’t very well change very much without other letters’ help, now can it? Then O keeps going for all the letters that are jerks and that will leave O for prettier, longer words that are more exciting, only to come running back to N when those other letters tell it NO. Meanwhile, N just wants to make this ONE simple, little word with the letter O (and help from N’s good friend E).

N just needs to realize, though, that it doesn’t have to be confined to NO and ON relationships while it’s waiting around for the ONE. There’s plenty of other letters in the alphabet and you just have to keep making words until you find the one you know is the best one for you.

Then, when you finally do find the letters that help you make that really good word, you gotta say that word over and over until you can’t see yourself outside of it. Don’t be such a loner-rebel like X, who hardly ever makes any decent words. And don’t be a pushover like H, who’s been with so many letters that it gets taken for granted most times and is often just silent in its words. It’s good to be like I every once in a while because that means you can provide good support in many wonderful words, but you can also stand on your own as well. Be careful of old C, though because its a crazy letter and is often found in some pretty cruel and even cowardly words.

But whatever letter you are, I hope you find your U like Q. And when you do, then work together to make a good word – a word worth saying – a word everybody can learn something from like QUESTION. And don’t feel bad if you’re feeling overlooked like J or V, because you’re all part of the same alphabet and just because one letter may be more popular than another doesn’t mean they’re any better. We all can make good and bad words just the same way. With some letters, it just takes a little bit longer to find the right word, that’s all.

Well, that’s our lesson for this week, kids. Join us next time when we’ll be discussing the issue of Religion by examining colors (here’s a hint: blue, red, and yellow are your main, or primary, colors. But yellow and blue make a little color called green when they get together . . . ) Until next time, “Sunny days, da da da laaa la la . . . “

P.S. This blog has been brought to you by a conversation with Tiger Lily over some pretty excellent chinese food, and by the entire English alphabet. Thank you, to everyone . . .
for everything.